Back after the Xmas break

And now it seems I have a following in the East,
Well definitely in Russia and Israel at least,
guess this means I need to censor the next joke,
I don't want to end up like that poisoned bloke,
you know the one who turned yellow in bed,
all because of something he said.

So have enjoyed Xmas with the missus and kids,
plus a couple of wins by the mighty Yids,
and of course the Ashes win last night was immense,
although it made a certain Aussie captain rather tense.

And it seems we have had 300 people read this page,
in Croatia rhymingbloke is all the rage,
the thing is with blogging i'm really not sure,
at which point I can announce a world tour.

Some poetry snobs have accused me of being crass,
please piss off and stick your head up your ass,
I didn't do this to become the poet laureate,
and I have no interest in being some twat's mate.

From tomorrow I will try to get back to a daily post,
maybe some current affairs or things that I hate the most,
like when someone uses the last of the milk,
and other annoyances of that ilk.

And the world stops....

Still in the news talk is of the snow,
especially at London Heathrow,
planes have been grounded with no chance of flight,
yet a league 2 football match was alright?

The amount of money that BAA make,
surely Heathrow shouldn't be a frozen lake,
underfloor heating is now available at home for you,
perhaps BAA should pop down B&Q?!

In other news, Tevez decided to stay,
apparently Manchester is now OK,
to be honest I understand why he feels like a whore,
earning £200k a week must be such a chore.....

I'm back

Apologies that I haven't blogged in a while,
the reason why will make women smile,
on Monday my other half gave birth,
just in time for me to watch the Ashes in Perth!

To go with our girl we now have a son,
believe me this is now the last one,
labour is horrible, we both agree,
admittedly worse for her than for me.

"It's the most beautiful thing" said a friend,
No way, say I, it's a means to an end,
when you get a baby that's the only good bit,
once they've been cleaned of the blood and the shit!

The end product is a bundle of joy,
in our case a handsome little boy,
all he does is eat and don't sleep too well,
yet still has us all under a spell.

That's a bit of a soppy blog for me,
let's have a go at being manly,
crickets not really going so great,
we will win the series, I believe it's our fate.

Most footy games called off for the snow,
crappy white stuff just annoys me you know,
can't get out the house for fear of falling,
even though I hear the pub calling.

Ok that's me, sure there are nappies to change,
had poo's that are green, black, brown - the whole range,
its when they get older that nappies are a hoot,
our girl now craps out whole pieces of fruit!

Writers block....

Sunday morning and I'm struggling to write,
Nothing much annoyed me last night,
X Factor almost over - thank god for that,
getting so bored with the same old chat.

It was on TV, Radio and Twitter all day,
and whilst I'm sure the acts are probably OK,
someone will win and for a week they're all we'll hear,
but then you won't see them again for a year!

Strictly Come Dancing - now there's a good show,
If I became famous I could win that you know,
You should see me in town when on the dancefloor,
people often ask "Is that Strictly on tour?"

Celebrity to end them all....

There's a man like marmite, you know love or hate,
personally I can't help but think he is great,
he holds a special place in my heart,
and has stormed Germany's music chart.

The man I refer to isn't a chav or a toff,
he's in a class of his own - the one called The Hoff,
I'm not sure how he got to this name,
his brains must be behind his fame.

In Baywatch he's ripped, in Knightrider cool,
How good if he were your friend at school?
you would've known he would turn out a star,
who would gain fame for talking to a car.

In other news, lets mention those who don't pay tax,
once again yesterday launched vicious attacks,
this time the future king felt the force,
another non tax payer of course.

I am not pro-royal but I do think it's cruel,
these kids who definitely should've been at school,
I wonder today how proud they are,
basically attacked a poor old bloke's car!

The Apprentice......

Lord Alan Sugar, in your decisions I have trust,
but as a fellow human being I feel that I must,
ask what the hell were you playing at,
when last night you refused to fire the prat?!

Stuart Baggs, the brand, jesus what a jerk,
can you imagine seeing him every day at work?
Lord Sugar can you see him being one of your cronies,
do you have any particular need for a field of ponies?

In other news a story that this morning made me smile,
recently I got on Twitter and have only been on there a while,
I am now following Kev Pietersen and Shane Warne,
both of whom have been on the news this cold English morn.

Warney has organised a car for KP,
nothing flash, just a Lamborghini,
by all accounts Kev was driving a tad quick,
and Aussie police have made his wallet less thick

For Richard....

I got asked to write this about my mate's Old Man,
who yesterday got stuck in an ice patch in his van,
in most situations people would call the AA,
but Richard refused to let this hamper his day.

He began to dig with his fingers until getting frostbite,
fear started to set in - "will I be here for all night?"
with nothing to eat except a nutrigrain bar,
Rich started to pray to see a passing car.

But any man can admire his skills,
because just like the hero entitled Bear Grylls,
he rescued himself like a right little trooper,
with one tool to hand - a blue pooper scooper

The century.....

So the blog has now reached over 100 views,
and as of yet I have received no abuse,
So thanks if you are a member of the 101,
I have a sneaky feeling 99 were my Mum.

In other news Pardew is going to manage the Toon,
willing to bet Geordie fans will want him out soon,
made West Ham crap but said it wasn't his fault,
got sacked from MOTD for mentioning sexual assualt.

Him and Mike Ashley will probably get on quite well,
but with that fat lager drinker no-one can tell,
I wouldn't be surprised if still in 2010,
he headhunts Kev Keegan from ESPN.

Meanwhile spoke to my mate down in Oz,
driving to Perth and he's nervous because,
a 5 day trip he now has to start,
to hopefully be able to sing "Swann will tear you apart"

We are the army....

I was all prepared for a late one last night,
I had an early evening snooze although it was light,
and yet I still went to bed at a reasonable hour,
because our bowling attack displayed their power.

All the Aussie's will say this is the worst national squad,
but this wasn't down to Ponting (who in 2006 was called "God")
This was due to Strauss and the boys,
Aussie's should try to act with dignity and poise.

Next on to the WACA (you try and rhyme that)
Where 11 new Aussies could be given baggy green hats,
I wouldn't worry and neither should you,
I think in Perth we will make this 0 - 2.

Now a quick word for our man Stuart Broad,
often holds 5 wickets on the scoreboard,
really sorry to hear that's the end of your tour,
for someone of your skill there will be plenty more.

Soccer AM

It's an early morning blog today,
contractions still coming so getting this out the way,
I just sat up watching Soccer AM 3rd eyes,
when you have to get up early for work that isn't wise.

It got me thinking it must be a good place to work,
normally getting up on Saturday would drive you berserk,
but Max Rushden must always pinch himself,
let's be fair he'd struggle to work somewhere else.

There aren't many places that put up with bad jokes,
and a presenter who just wants to be one of the blokes,
which is reassuring as there's hope for me yet,
I just need to learn how to play the clarinet.

I don't often do shout outs but....

I will in this case because he made a request,
and he is one of the Albino's that I like best,
his hair is so white and his skin is quite pale,
yet he is still a fine specimen of male.

His name is Scott - he's a local lad,
his Chasers addiction is pretty bad,
I can't write a whole blog about my mate,
even though he will think this is great.

I better mention something else to add value,
for my loyal readers of which I think there are two,
not that I am ungrateful - definitely not the case,
in my heart you both have a place

Why can't you use your phone when refilling your car?
if you made this rule - whoever you are,
please tell me will I spontaeneously combust?
is ending my call on the forecourt a must?
or is it just a rule for the sake of it?
because to be honest I think it's bullshit.

2011 - The year of the protest

Apparently now protesting is cool,
we have even had kids walking out of school,
and yesterday someone told me Topshop had to close,
by protesters who must be against wearing clothes.

But in 2011 how far will this go?
Will the rate of protests begin to slow?
Or will people who never usually get involved,
want to vent anger at how the UK has evolved.

You never know this could do better than worse,
we could even increase the governments purse,
by putting a levy on people who eat too much,
that would soon kick them into touch.

They would decide to march to demonstrate they oppose,
which would be the first time they walked without following their nose,
and by the time that they reach 10 Downing Street,
they would have lost weight from all that they usually eat.

Worst case scenario they will stop in Trafalgar Square,
still trying to rant about how life isn't fair,
but their words don't come out due to all of their puffing,
at which point the weak will resort to a muffin.

I hate waiting

I am currently waiting for my other half to give birth,
and typically I am the most impatient man on the Earth,
waiting for her contractions to end,
is beginning to drive me round the bed.

It will be lovely when our baby boy joins us here,
but right not now that time feels far from near,
we had this slow labour before,
that's right we know the score.

Last time she had 5 days of being in pain,
I used paternity leave, won't do so again,
this time I am actually working whilst I wait,
I pray to god this baby isn't late!

A new look

Today was the day that I reduced the mane,
that's right my hair was going insane,
combine it with a tache and some speedos,
I wouldn't look out of place with some paedos!

Luckily the barber I know is a mate,
because one thing that I really hate,
I always end up saying something as if in a nightmare,
like "what do Italians do when they're not cutting hair?"

Anyway I'm off to watch Spanish football with James,
el clasico, one of my favourite games,
watching it with one of favourite men,
a stud like Bristols very own Sven

Brrrrrrrrr

Seriously really fed up with the cold,
goes right through to my bones, I feel so old,
went walking yesterday, next time I'll pass,
lost count how many times I ended up on my ass.

Worst thing about weather when it's extreme like this,
the thing that really does take the piss,
is people who start whinging and try placing fault,
like it wouldn't be this bad if Councils had salt.

Admittedly the roads are a bit of a mess,
but nothing councils can do would make it snow less,
then you get people who blame the human race,
for ruining the layer between us and space.

There's a hole in the ozone and it's the end of the earth,
that does concern me for what it's worth,
however let's put this into perspective,
there's only so much we can do retrospective.

It is what it is, we are where we are,
we know now not to buy a big car,
and whilst I am sure that all scary facts are right,
it doesn't help my current dose of frostbite.

I am ever so sorry I have gone off track,
the point I wanted to make a few verses back,
was please don't take offence if I leave you alone,
I am just too cold to stand there and have a moan

Still don't believe me?

There's a bloke that I know who's a decent guy,
but when I mentioned I blogged he thought I was telling a lie,
I tried to convince him I was telling the truth,
but I think he thought I was far too uncouth.

Technically my poetry may not be the best,
I can't be a student as I don't have time to protest,
but I want to write about my life and current affairs,
it doesn't matter to me if no-body cares.

People tell you their whole life on facebook,
you can find a persons shoe size if you look,
if you would prefer a Twitter style news feed,
I suggest you look elsewhere for your read.

In other news I stayed up until 1 in the morn,
and got out of bed at the crack of dawn,
as The Ashes are played at an unreasonable time,
but missing the first day would be a crime.

I don't know...

I just published a blog with no words,
which for someone who constantly wants to be heard,
is not one of my desired outcomes,
you can blame this on my fat thumbs.

That's right don't blame me, blame the phone that I use,
with buttons so small I never get the letter I choose,
they should invent a phone that's only for men,
I suggest the return of the 3210.

Now there was a phone that was sturdy, secure,
couldn't take pics and web access to poor,
so you can send texts just by making your phone shake?
so what, you will never beat my top score on Snake.

Average Mondays - Boomtown Rats less well known hit

Monday's the day most people despise,
from the minute they open their still hungover eyes,
some people moan on Twitter or Facebook,
can't see anything worse no matter how hard they look.

Me, I'm impartial, I don't have a view,
whilst it may matter immensely to you,
to me it's no different to the day before or the next,
now let's put that into some context.

If I have a Sunday where I drink and I smoke,
the next day at work is of course a joke,
if I have a weekend of chores and everyday life,
Monday's time away from the trouble and strife!

Sunday papers all read the same

One news article I'm beginning to hate,
is the royal wedding of William and Kate,
all I've heard of for the last 5 days,
is how this is good for the country in so many ways,

It is a nice thing when anyone wants to get wed,
but as our country is already in red,
I hope they opt for a low key affair,
but a royal wedding in the local pub would be rare.

In other news my daughter is beginnging to speak,
will now have a new word every week,
it now means I have to watch when I say,
so I am learning to swear in a different way,
shit becomes poo and piss becomes wee,
if I say any worse than god help me!

Cider - Not medically prescribed

So it turns out that with a bout of man flu,
cider is definitely not the best cure for you,
I thought the content of apples may act as a cure,
ok, it seems my medical knowledge is poor.

I am up early mainly due to excitement,
today Spurs play who we mostly resent,
Arsenal, the Gunners, the most hated of foes,
why people support them God only knows.

This weekend will be quiet I expect,
especially as it's cold, windy and wet,
I think I will stay indoors and try to relax,
probably just moan about the weather and tax.

TFI Friday

So here is Friday, the greatest day,
when you can wave the week away,
of all week long this is my fave,
when I used to go and get drunk at a rave

As it currently stands I feel bloody old,
sat on my couch nursing a cold,
don't worry ravers I will still have fun,
watching children in need on BBC one.

I'm all for the cause of Children in Need,
but are all the presenters high on speed?!
Chatting complete crap until 3 in the morn,
when most people are watching channel 5 porn!

Anyway off to put my kid in the bath,
I know you're thinking his lifes such a laugh,
believe me it gets better than this,
tomorrow I'm taking my nan on the piss

The beginning

I have decided to write a blog in rhyme,
beats trying to be funny all of the time,
or blogging about careers, pets or your wife,
and other menial things in our life.

I will try and update this blog every day,
please don't be concerned if I have gone away,
it simply means I have better things to do,
than sit at my desk to try and amuse you.

I must dash now for my sanity's sake,
and to munch down on a pasta bake,
fear not I shall return in the morrow,
and I promise to bring joy not sorrow.